era2live

Day 5-7. Wednesday-Friday.

2009-10-03T03:50:00.000-07:00

For future reference: I need to travel more. I need to set my foot on the grounds of Korea, Japan, Singapore and India. Well, most likely also China and Hong Kong, and speaking of mainland, maybe also Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia.
So yes, that’s the plan. Now we need a business plan to accompany that.

I have not been able to blog for the past few days, because:
The training for editors has started (and ended by now), and though I didn’t lead all the lectures, it would be rather rude to procrastinate like that during Mark’s and Terry’s lectures.
Internet was down (which probably made point A. easier, because I really did not have an option).

With every session it seemed the connections and friendships with participants got tightened, and my cooperation with Mark and Terry got easier and more relaxed.
It’s probably to be expected that every “teacher” will have his or her favorites in the class. One cannot help it, and though I have to say that I really liked every single person here, I did enjoy especially this one couple from Korea and John from India. I also spend a lot of time talking to Gary, who is a missionary in Japan, and he taught me a lot about Asian languages. It was fascinating to learn so much about the various alphabets. I am such a nerd, I could spent HOURS just asking him more and more questions about things of completely no use for me.

Anyway, so the Korean couple were absolute DARLINGS! Neither could speak English very well, but we struggled through it and I just loved getting to know them. They run a magazine for youth and young adults, their circulation is 20 grand (no joke), and they can sing! (we had a talent show at graduation ;)). The wife, Youngsoo, had a broad knowledge of history and geography, including European, which has to be praised. Most of the people here learn only the history of their country, and their continent at best. Now, before you judge them for that, please tell me, do you know which countries Japan attacked and ruled over in WW2? Yeah, if you don’t know that from the top of your head, you probably shouldn’t get judgmental. :)

John is just an adorable young man (I say "young man" though likely he's about ten years older than me, but being a “professor” of sorts I somehow felt ‘older’ than everyone else). My first encounter with him left me confused and speechless, because I don’t think I understood a single word of the first sentence he said to me. Thankfully, focusing enough I could work out my way through his thick accent and interesting way of talking. At times I would find myself listening to him converse, with no particular interest in the substance of his words, just taking in the extraordinary sounds and exceptional melody of his speech. John has been married for less than two years, he works with a student’s magazine called Campus Link, and this training in the Philippines was his first trip abroad! Oh my, I wanted to hug him. Is it weird that I felt like hugging him for the simple fact that this is the first time he traveled? God is so good for enabling this beautiful man to experience a piece of the world that was not familiar to him. I was told that John would get up early in the mornings, before all the sessions, to take walks along the bay, even if it rained, to take in all the sounds, views and scents of this new world. Man, I get teary even just thinking about it.

Time flies, our training has already ended. Graduation was a lot of fun, participants wanted to thank us, and we had an opportunity to bless them and pray for them. I cannot help but think how over 9 years ago I took part in such a training myself, and despite the fact that I still seem to be the youngest one here, haha, I praise God for this opportunity to GIVE rather than take. Remembering how much has changed in my life, and how our magazine has improved over the past 9 years, I am eager to see what great things God does in their lives and where He’s going to take their work in the future.

Day 4. Tuesday.

2009-09-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

MA’AM-mania. Do you know what ma’am-mania is? I didn't either, until I came here. Ma’am is the most popular word in Philippines, it seems. “Hi ma’am”, “Thank you, ma’am”, “Taxi ma’am?”, “Goodafternoon ma’am”, “Yes, ma’am.” I heard it 15 times just going through the hotel door. Of course the volleyball players had to notice it too, so one by one they repeat after the hotel staff: “Hi ma’am.” Combine it with a Filipino accent, and you get a delightful sound with lots of long “aahs” (HAAAI, MAA’AAM).

The weather has greatly improved on Tuesday, it’s been sunny and very hot (and humid, yes, that does not change), which proved to be both pleasant and unpleasant at times. This was the last free morning I have this week, so I decided to take advantage and do some sightseeing on my own. I know some of you would freak out hearing that I want to wander off somewhere on my own, that’s why I’m letting you know post factum. J I love moving around on my own, it gives you the freedom to change your mind hundred times in 10 minutes, get lost, walk for an hour with no particular destination, stop for shopping at stinky places…

I visited Intramuros, which is Manila’s old town, remainings of the Spanish inquisition. Philippines have been under Spanish rule for centuries. Only recent history represents American domination (and awful Japanese invasion and cruelty during WW2). For further reading, please look up history of this nation online. So, Intramuros is a delightful part of town that makes you feel like in Mexico. The buildings reminded me of the historical sites I have seen, for example, in Zorro movies or Assassins (sorry about the connotation, but it one of the most beautiful films I have seen set in Mexico). However… I am not in Mexico. It’s strange to see all the similarities though, and you just have to blame the Spanish. ;) I spoil myself by getting a horse carriage (it cost me only 6 dollars) and get a primitive historical tour of the place. Being as curious as I am, I ask my so called guide many questions he doesn’t have answers for. Eventually I get off and visit one of the Catholic churches. Again, doesn’t feel Asian at all. I walk in and there’s Pieta on my left. A few steps further there’s a sculpture of St. Peter, EXACTLY the same as the one people kiss in St.Peter’s Cathedral in the Vatican (which I saw and NOT kissed mere 3-4 months ago). There’s not much more for me to admire in there. I move on to a historical museum called Casa Manila.

I loved the museum. Of course, very Spanish, again, and made me think of all the white invaders in third world countries. It’s like seeing a Victorian house in Kenya, the English Royal halls in Egypt, aristocratic European homes in India, and yes, a Spanish villa in the Philippines that encompasses French, Italian and English influences in style. It’s not something I despise though, because it adds to the diversity and beauty of this place. But it makes me wonder, what would be the real story of this place? What were the core values? What culture hides under all this? Or behind it? Casa Manila leads you through numerous rooms of one huge, aristocratic home. Living rooms, bedrooms, play rooms, kitchen, bathroom… My favorite? A double restroom: it included two toilets (old style- wooden chairs with a huge hole in the middle), side to side in a tiny little room. Reason for this double trouble? It’s the special place for secret talks and romantic alone time. Oh my, isn’t that everyone’s dream- to have that intimate moment of romance with your loved one IN THE TOILET? Priceless. In the kitchen I am greeted by a delightful young fellow who assists visitors. As he talks about kitchenware, he interchanges information with questions a little bit like this: “This was used for cooking… where are you from? And this is an iron… how old are you? The silverware is right here… are you married? This is a coffee grinder… how long will you stay?” In the end of our interesting monologue-trying-to-be-a-dialogue, he offers to take a picture of me in the garden. I looked at it later, and you could tell I looked pretty amused.

In the souvenir store by the museum I am yet again struck by the people’s kindness and friendliness. I’m the kind of person that has to examine everything, and if possible, touch every item. So as I look around I find numerous things that fascinate me. There are paper-made wallets, banana material purses, mother pearl kitchenware… This is something that bothers me. I do get the idea that “mother pearl” means it’s made of a shells that create pearls, however I twitch at the thought of buying something that is made out of a MOTHER of something. This is not a good marketing name. Another thing I see is endless racks of jewelry, bracelets, necklaces, anklets and so on. So as I browse, the clerk speaks up: “Everything 20% off for you, ma’am.” I love that I haven’t even bargained with him, and I already have a discount. I was going to do my shopping here anyway – nowhere in the world have I seen souvenirs at museums for less than a dollar. At markets yes, on the street yes, but in a museum store? I’m ready to pull out my “savings”. I am incapable of buying things in large quantities, sadly, this must be my “missionary syndrome”, where I consider an excess of everything a waste. I do however pick out things I like and am ready to buy. As I look at necklaces, the kind man makes another offer: “Take one for free, ma’am.” I didn’t even have to ask! (not that I would have). So I walk out with my shopping worth at least 20 dollars, which would cost me about 50 anywhere in the West, and I spent less than ten bucks. On top of it all, I do not have to feel bad about ripping him off, since I never even asked for any privilege! My issue with bargaining? Not to say it’s true, because most often it’s not, but I just get awfully guilty fighting for 50 cents I do not need with someone who may feed his child with it. I do not feel guilty arguing with taxi drivers though. :)

Alright, moving on. We kicked off our training/conference finally. We have participants from South Korea, Philippines, India, Japan, Australia and the US. There were supposed to be representatives from Kenya and Moldova as well, but sadly they didn’t get their visas or something. I’m disappointed, because I was excited to hear about what they do, at the same time, considering one is from Africa and the other from Europe, their absence makes our lectures easier, because our listeners are mainly from this part of the world (Americans and Australians are easily adjustable in this case ;)). Each one of them either works for some publication or is planning on starting one. As we get to talk over dinner, I am completely captivated by almost every person here. I get to talk to the adorable Korean couple about their magazine, church and Korean missionaries around the world. John from India tells me about the situation of Christians in his country and the resources he has. I am absolutely fascinated with what I have already learned about Japan. Every single person is a different story, every person brings in a different culture and presents a different world. I am absolutely LOVING this! I think of new questions for my conversers every 5 minutes and need to be careful to not get overbearing. At the same time, I feel so privileged to be their teacher, and I thank God for raising me above my age level. None of them regard me as a girl that’s simply younger than them. They all seem to consider me as a professional they can look up to. It’s humbling and motivating. I want to share everything I know, teach them everything I’ve learned, and show them everything I’ve discovered about the wonderful field of publishing.

God is so good to us. Our faith and commitment to the greatest commission is something that unites us, and something we could talk about for hours and not get bored. It’s something that takes down all the walls between us and brings us together under one shelter – the glory of God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. As we work on improving our professional skills in the field we work in, we all get more excited for the things we do, but even more so, for the things God will do. We can just hope and pray God will use us and the work of our hands for His benefit. So be it AMEN.

Day 3. Monday.

2009-09-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

Monday was Yom Kippur. I can’t say I kept it (=fast), but I did remember about it. I wouldn’t be able to pull through with the fasting considering I’m jetlag and still a bit sick. Most of the food I ate today was chicken soup though, so I didn’t each much anyway. As if that made any difference. But still. I managed to not eat pork and seafood, which truly is a success.

Food is often the topic of discussion here. Seafood is a big deal, the cuisine here is a mix of all things, but naturally, with special focus on what is available – and all sea and ocean “products” are. But also tropical foods, considering the islands are covered with tropical forests. This would include mangos, papayas and numerous fruit I have not heard of before, have already tried and loved, and cannot remember what they were called. I’m happy to try new things, for as long as they don’t include crazy meats (and you gotta admit, pigs are crazy and so are the shrimp!). But not only that. There are two things I have been warned not to try, and knowing what I know now, I’m sure I won’t even be tempted to. Although one thing I’m extremely curious about is a fruit that apparently smells like poop and tastes like candy. K Something tells me some of you would be interested in trying it… Well, I’m not gonna, although it did cross my mind to buy a jar of this jelly for Estella (cheers, mate! haha). Now the other crazy thing is the crazy of craziness and is the first thing that managed to take away my appetite (few things can, even if gross). The name escapes me, of course, but what it is, is a fermented duck egg with a partly developed fetus (is it called a fetus in case of eggs? You get what I mean though). Firstly, why would anyone EVER want to eat an egg that already somewhat looks like a duck?! Secondly, if you absolutely have to eat one, why fermented??? Geez. I will stick to my fully developed chicken, well done, thank you very much.

Ok, enough about food. Now drinks. ;) I plan to take advantage of Starbucks as much as possible, without getting myself broke at the same time. Today I spend a few hours there, drinking my latte and preparing for a lecture. And it dawned on me why I love it. I was sitting there in a huge armchair, on soft pillows, nice coffee table before me, in an air-conditioned room which smelled of freshly brewed coffee. Listening to jazz music and looking out the window at the fascinating world I’m in, reading my Bible in freedom and comfort – why would I NOT love any of this? I feel like collecting Starbucks cups. I have three lined down in my room. Oh, did I mention my room? Due to some confusion in the hotel, I was put in a deluxe suite as a word of apology. Favor from Heaven, baby. I am the daughter of the King. All praise and thanks go to my Abba who loves me.

The favor suite is on 11th floor, I don’t have much of a view, but I am one floor above the volleyball convention thing. I meet the giants in the elevator usually. Would I ever guess I would feel tiny in east Asia? I smirk at the thought that such unusual encounters always happen to me. Of all places, the one hotel in Asia I’m in currently hosts some of the tallest people in the world. It’s enough that three of them join me in the elevator and I feel like a midget. Interesting feeling. My bubble pops when Jolene and I go shopping.

You probably would like to hear a bit more about the actual reason I’m here, huh? Sorry I didn’t make it quite clear yet. We are having training for writers and editors, and I happen to be one of the three teachers. Most participants are from different Asian countries, not just Philippines, and some of them are American or Australian missionaries to said countries. Let me at least introduce to you the people I work here with. Sharon is the director of the whole spiel and she’s the boss of all things. Very well organized and very (lovingly) motherly to me. Jolene is her assistant and right hand, a young mother that misses her two little girls at home in Colorado. Michele, a volunteer from Kuala Lampur (Malaysia) is helping with all things organizational. I find her to be my true partner in all things charismatic and… in movies. J More later. Mark and Terry are the other lecturers (along with me), who are delightful white American males over 50. Haha, I had to put that in, because it’s such a funny stereotype of the typical most privileged person. I was scared of working with them, after all I’m a 1. Polish, 2. woman, 3. aged 26. However once again I was comforted as soon as we met that what makes us all one and equal is the saving blood of Jesus that makes us all children of the King.

Speaking of children of the King, Michele can pray. And by pray, I mean PRAY, not just pray. That was a great blessing to start off with. At the same time, she’s very well rounded in the media and we have lots to talk about (from tacky Transformers movies, to Star Wars, to Batman old and new, to Hotel Rwanda, AND even Bollywood…). On a daily basis she’s a documentary film maker in Malaysia. Michele backed me up as we talked about possible worship music before all our sessions. I said the more the better, but Mark and Terry admitted they didn’t care either way. When asked for song preference, they asked for hymns while I suggested Hillsong, Matt Redman and Chris Tomlin. :/ (which got commented with: “what is wrong with this generation…” it actually made me laugh and made me proud ;))).

All is good in the hood though, we click well despite our differences. I really like both Terry and Mark a lot, and I’m grateful for how much respect they show me. They laugh at their own conservative ways, and I let all their jokes (about me) slide. We stay even. ;)

Tomorrow (Tuesday) we kick off with the participants. Which means I will have lots of other stuff to talk about on the following days. :)

BY THE WAY. You know you can comment here, right? I know you all prefer email cause it's more personal and private, but if you just have a word or two, or a question, drop it here, yeah? Love love love. Miss you all terribly, some more than others. You do the lottery and tell me of the outcome. :P

Going East. Day 1-2. Saturday-Sunday

2009-09-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hello my darlings. I want to be updating this blog while I’m actually here*, because I know once I come back I’ll have all the impressions cumulated in my head and unsorted, which means I’d just babble and it won’t make any sense.
Where is here*?
*Here is Manila, Philippines. As my mom took me to the airport early Saturday afternoon, I realized I’m going somewhere I have never been before and have very little knowledge of. I’ve been places in my life, and generally I have some idea about different parts of the world, especially countries I’m planning to visit. Philippines however, I knew nothing of. Except for having met several delightful Filipinos in the States and in the UK and by that having noticed some of their unique habits or ways of life, I know close to nothing about the culture itself. So that thought alone – the idea of exploring the unknown – got me really excited.

Firstly I would like to tell you that catching a cold before such a trip is not a good idea. And I don’t mean just the mere inconvenience of sneezing, getting partly deaf on the plane because your sinuses are not doing their job, and having to blow your nose in public (also causing the skin on your nose get irritatingly dry). No, that wasn’t a big issue at all, actually, it wasn’t the first time I travelled in bad physical shape (some of you may remember my petrifying condition coming back from Egypt). The unfortunate circumstances regard the fact that Asia seems to be obsessed with swine flu threats. People wearing face masks, all passengers filling out health declarations on the plane… Like a criminal I feared that sneezing in public would keep me at the airport for endless medical tests, preventing me from traveling on. I look at the questions in red on the declaration – “check which symptoms you’ve had in the past 7 days: high temperature, runny nose, coughing, breathing difficulty, etc.” HA. If I check even a single box, will I become a threat or suspect for the rest of the year? Will it pop up on the screen of every computer each time my passport gets swiped? Nice. So I analyze each one: I don’t really have a runny nose, I haven’t used a tissue on this flight yet. Coughing? I can keep myself from it, so I guess I don’t need to check that. No temperature, I breathe easily (with open mouth). I guess I’m ok. Granted, I almost completely lost my voice (again!), which would totally blow my disguise, but maybe if they don’t ask me anything, I won’t have to try and say anything. Yesss, I made it through Hong Kong and am in Manila. By the time I have to fly back, I’ll be fine. I think.

Ok, so the few hours I had in Hong Kong were awfully pleasant (like the word combo?). As I walked around the airport, I caught up with latest gossip (just merely noticing the mag covers), drank Starbucks (I don’t love it, but this proves that one always wants which one does not have), and eventually stopped by the windows. The weather was pathetic, I didn’t get much of a view of anything, but at the same time I still got captivated. The Hong Kong airport is located on an island, and surrounded (at least from one side) with mountains. I could see their shapes, and some skyscrapers on far left. It matched beautifully. I feel like I want to come back there now. As I wandered along the windows, I got to gate 24, where – oh joy – was a free wi-fi stand. I pull out my machine and get online. That’s when I get the news – typhoons in the Philippines, over 50 died in Manila alone. I wonder how many Manilas there are in the world, maybe there’s a chance I’m going to a different one…

After 2-hour delay, our plane finally takes off. I’m not sure if to be happy about it or not, but then I remember John Paul Jackson’s words: “Planes I fly don’t crash. I haven’t completed my God given missions yet. He keeps me alive.” I snooze off within minutes. As we land in Manila, I can feel the humidity already in the air-conditioned (!) halls of the airport. After some hassles (of course) I finally leave the airport building and the thick air hits me. It’s as “stuffy” as the air in spas or indoor swimming pools. In some strange way I enjoy it. I can already feel its miraculous effects on my skin, haha. But honestly, I start enjoying it, remembering how I love heat and just being hot. I sure do have a soft spot for high temperatures. My only concern is my uncontrollable hair, but I guess the synergy of the air with the hair will show its consequences only in time… For now it’s just thicker. Not commercial-style though.

I cannot help but think that Philippines could pull off faking Egypt or Mexico, even Spain, but my idea of “Asia”? No. I know I shouldn’t stereotype, but we all have our impressions and expectations, it’s human nature to “box” things in your head (psychologically proven). I feel like a member of the royal family, sitting in the back of a car with dark windows and white seats. As we stop at traffic lights little children surround our car, trying to sell me flowers or feathers (?). They glue their noses to the windows and try to peek inside. I can tell they can hardly see anything, but they notice there is one person inside, and it’s a woman. One little girl exclaims: “Your eyes are so attractive!!!” I laugh and remember hearing same kind of compliments in Egypt, I pull up my hand not sure what it is that I want to do, so I just touch the window and know all too well that I cannot open neither the door nor the window. Again, I feel like a member of the royal family – truly blessed, yes, but also somewhat trapped and helpless…

In the hotel lobby my prophetic spirit takes over when a handsome man says hello and smiles at me. I immediately know he’s Iranian. He doesn’t look Arab at all, so I don’t know where I got it from, other than I knew it in the spirit. Later, when I meet with my two American friends, we are told the hotel is full of volleyball players from around the world, because of some tournaments. The said guy enters the café we sit in, girls wonder if he’s French or Italian, so Sharon asks him. Guy says he’s from Iran. I twitch at his response. How did I know that?

After a short while in the lobby, I get tired. In a weird way I feel alienated and wonder what I’m doing here. I’m starting to count how many days I have left, so I can get this job done and exhale. I get the message my body and my mind is sending me: get some sleep. I peacefully comply, it’s late anyway. Going over my notes and preparing my intro speech make no sense tonight. I’m exhausted and it’s starting to affect my emotions. I better fly away before I lose all my self-confidence. I keep singing lyrics that have followed me all day today: Oh God, Father of Heaven and Earth, I call to like deep calls to deep over water. Just as a deer goes to water, so does my soul to you Father. Oh God, though I have wandered so far, you know that I’m still a (wo)man after your own heart.
I fall asleep trying to recall the lyrics to the second verse…

all I ever really wanted

2009-09-17T01:51:00.000-07:00

So much is going on in my life and aparently, few people know about this. I noticed it some time ago that when things are uncertain, I do not talk about them, because I first want to know how they play out. When it gets to the point when it's ok to talk about it, I somehow forget, because it's no longer "news". And when I do talk about it, I forget whom I told and whom I didn't, and people get mad. :

So what is going on... I am going to Philippines in about 9 days, where I'm going to teach at a training for magazine publishers. Together with two older, experienced and wise gentlemen I will lecture on what it is that I do. I'm a bit freaked out, yes, both thinking about what I should say and what I should wear, but outside of that, I am stoked about Asia. I look forward to seeing the world from a different corner. I'm also quite impressed with what God is doing in my life, and though it is to be expected that He will always blow your mind, I never cease to be amazed.

October is going to be the most crazy single month of my life. There's something going on every week, every weekend, and it all starts at the airport (when I return from Philippines) and ends at the airport (when I depart for Israel).

Yes, I will be going to Israel in the end of October. I am coorganizing a tour for my church, so about 40 of us will be enjoying some downtime together in the Holy Land. I am psyched to go back again, meet with some old friends, enjoy some fantastic food and the supernatural atmosphere of that place. At the same time, I am super happy to be going there with my whole family (last time we were there as a family was in 1991), and dear friends. On previous trips I was usually alone or with one other friend, so I never had an opportunity to truly live it up. Cannot wait!

Outside of that, what am I doing... we're still putting on exhibitions and presentations of the Israel photographs we got published this year. I speak at churches, museums and conferences. It's fun and rewarding. Naturally, I still work with the magazine and for the publishing house, so I'm desk-bound most of the time. I still put on Jewish Feasts at church and volunteer at Jewish Culture events.

...and all I ever really wanted was that cabin by the lake...*

*the #1 sentence I overuse when overwhelmed, said jokingly to relieve the stress.

It's all good. Good day, sunshine.

in the little town by the forrest

2009-08-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

Madonna performs her only concert in Poland today - on the biggest Catholic holiday I know, the Assumption of Mary. :) Now, seriously, some of you REALLY think it's coincidental?? :)) Puh-leeze. It's possibly the greatest marketing gimmick known to human kind. With all my heartfelt dislike for Madonna, I have to give her this: pure brilliance. Whether happy about it or not, EVERY single media outlet in the country was talking about this concert for the past month or more. SCORE. This is how you get ABSOLUTE publicity at practically no cost. Genius.

***

Dear Che Guevara fans.
If you're not my friend, why are you reading this?
If you are my friend, WHY are you a Che Guevara fan? I suggest you do one of the following: educate yourself OR talk to me about this. I would be happy to know who you are, so I can stare at your name, make a wry face, and exclaim: "oh my word, are you serious? of all people - you?! so disappointing."
Also, I would like to thank my friend David for bringing a certain book to my attention: "Exposing the real Che Guevara: and the useful Idiots who idolize him" by Humberto Fontova.
Also x2, go watch "The Lost City" with Andy Garcia.

***

My hometown, Ustron, is a circus at times. I love it. With the Catholic holiday at hand, beautiful weather and it still being the summer season, it is PACKED with puffed up richmen, trashy rich-wannabes, horrifying drivers, plastic blondes and hippie feminists, both accompanied by Johnny Bravos, times a million. This luxorious atmosphere spreads fast in all directions with the help of so-called 'music', river splashes and cotton candy.
I get this quality show all for free, with gorgeous mountains in the background, like that 80s wallpaper you wish you had in your living room.

***

Bachelorette Party tonight. Greek food, Sahara, laughs, blessings, 11 gorgeous ladies. Who would want to miss that!

broken string

2009-06-26T04:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything literally in months, and today just seemed like a good writing day to me. I thought about blogging as I was falling asleep last night, and then the news in the morning hit me, and determined what I should be writing about. I do not have an alarm clock. I get woken up by my radio that automatically turns on at a set hour. First words that brought me back from a world full of dreams into harsh reality today, at 6:23 AM, were: "Michael Jackson is no more."
This entry is not merely about Michael Jackson. It's about one's life here on earth, individual and collective.

Most of you probably think, ok, he was an important pop icon, some of you may add, it is a loss to the world of music and art, but why make it such a big deal, essy? You didn't know him and you probably weren't even his biggest fan. Not a single poster on your wall, only a few albums, so why make it the reason for the first real blog entry in 2009?

Very true. Though I would not say a single bad word about him and I would always defend him in discussion, I admit there are multitudes that have been bigger fans, know more songs by heart and collected memorabilia. I was just an average listener, if you can call it that, and a simple girl that claimed P.Y.T. to be her iStage name. But to me Michael has always been more than a singer, than a dancer, than a performer... He was a man whose life was far from being ordinary. A person with obvious needs, dreams and ambitions. With no childhood, no privacy, and few genuine friends.

My eyes get teary as I listen to "Man in the Mirror", the anthem for many of my generation. The words pierce through me as I think of my life and what I desire to make of it. And I cannot help but think of Michael, and what it must have meant for him to sing this song. Did he ever kneel down on the floor, look out the window and into the sky, and think: "is this even the life I wanted?..."? Did it cross your mind that most of his life he would look in the mirror and did not like what he saw? Did he ever lose hope or did he hold on to it till his last day? He fought his own reflection in the mirror and the world hated him for it. The unhappy boy with low self-esteem became even more unhappy and started closing up. Ridiculed by his father, now managed to get the world ridicule him as well. Like a scared animal in a cage, he fed the ruthless humanity with reasons to judge. Well done, human kind, yet again you managed to destroy one of your greatest. In the decades to follow those same oppressors' children will praise him for his genius and will label him martyr.

In his restless attempts to flee from his own fears, he would open his heart up to those who never adjusted to the "real world" just like him. Take "Black or White", "Heal the World", "Earth Song", "Little Susie", "Lost Children" and more. He turned the world's eyes to Africa before Bono did. He brought celebrities together to sing "We are the world" before our presidents started using them to insult one another. As far as I can remember, he has been the first celebrity to stress so widely the importance of caring for children. Which, of course, has also been used against him.

The song "They don't care about us" always moves me to the core.
Let's leave THEM behind, so that WE can care for ONE ANOTHER. Michael's life story says it louder than anything else:
Don't hate.
Understand.
Give space.
Let live.
Be in awe.
Smile.
Be patient.
Love.
Don't envy.
Help out.
Keep the faith.
Reach out.
Care.
Pay attention.
Speak up.
Believe.
Don't judge.
Allow to be different.
Never give up.
And dance.

painful state of being

2009-03-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

thank you, Soren Kirkegaard, for putting this into words.

The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have.

Infinite resignation is the last stage which goes before faith, so that every one who has not made the movement of infinite resignation cannot have faith; for only through absolute resignation do I become conscious of my eternal worth, and only then can there arise the problem of again grasping hold of this world by virtue of faith.

We will now suppose the knight of faith in the same case. He absolutely resigns the love which is the contents of his life, he is reconciled to the pain; but then the miraculous happens, he makes one more movement, strange beyond comparison, saying: "And still I believe that I shall marry her—marry her by virtue of the absurd, by virtue of the act that to God nothing is impossible." Now the absurd is not one of the categories which belong to the understanding proper. It is not identical with the improbable, the unforeseen, the unexpected. The very moment our knight resigned himself he made sure of the absolute impossibility, in any human sense, of his love. This was the result reached by his reflections, and he had sufficient energy to make them. In a transcendent sense, however, by his very resignation, the attainment of his end is not impossible; but this very act of again taking possession of his love is at the same time a relinquishment of it. Nevertheless this kind of possession is by no means an absurdity to the intellect; for the intellect all the while continues to be right, as it is aware that in the world of finalities, in which reason rules, his love was and is, an impossibility. The knight of faith realizes this fully as well. Hence the only thing which can save him is recourse to the absurd, and this recourse he has through his faith. That is, he clearly recognizes the impossibility, and in the same moment he believes the absurd; for if he imagined he had faith, without at the same time recognizing, with all the passion his soul is capable of, that his love is impossible, he would be merely deceiving himself, and his testimony would be of no value, since he had not arrived even at the stage of absolute resignation.

another year has passed - a story

2009-01-09T10:33:00.000-08:00

For a number of years, I've been doing a year wrap-up in the last days of that year. I never did one for 2008...
I dunno, maybe I thought it was pointless, since I can't remember half of the things that happened over six months ago... Some important happenings of 2008 that will remain etched in my memory are definitelly the trips to Israel, valuable time with friends from Brighton and other, career achievements (one book being especially important), and socio-personal changes of no permanent importance. Mostly.

On the last day of 2008 I found myself sitting in a wooden cabin with a two year old on my lap, out in the far, wild outskirts of a big city. The frozen, bare trees outside the window tried to stay covered with whatever remained from the shimmering snow, and the sun innocently played with us through their branches. I couldn't imagine the year to end better than this. A friend was cutting wood for the fireplace to keep us warm, I was tying bows on the noodles so the kid would start to eat, and the little one tried to unravel the mysteries locked in my bracelets. Who knew they held so many.

As the little boy was climbing onto the table I dipped another piece of the home made bread in my coffee. The giggle that sounded a bit like "Auntie, catch!" echoed in the empty room as the little man landed in my arms.
"He trusts you," said the boy's father, entering the room.
"I can be trusted," I responded smiling.
"I know... I remember."
That's true, he knew. Better than most people that I see daily.

It was the beginning of 2001. We were the best kind of friends, doing silly things, drinking good wine, and crying when necessary - always together. The crazy musician that he was, he did not approve of my studious boyfriend. He laughed that the dude is a nerd, I teased him for living a chaotic life. Our contrasting worlds didn't clash, they concorded. Later in 2001 I moved to California, left the old friend in Poland, and the boyfriend in Boston. Over the years it seemed that everything and everyone moved on. So much has changed. I was in a different world, he got married, we talked rarely. One day I moved back, started dating a musician. I think he approved of him, but his wife didn't aprove of me, so the four of us never spent time together.
Fast Forward- he had a son, I broke up with the guitarist.
Fast Forward- his wife left him for another man, I started going out with a church friend.
Fast Forward- by the summer I was single again, and he had his child taken away from him to another man's house.

It was just phonecalls and text messages over the years. Most went like this, "Read Psalm 51"; "I met so-and-so today"; "Praying for you"; "Hugs from Kansas"... until right before Christmas 08. We were supposed to be at the same concert that day. He was playing there, of course, I was working there, of course.
After the press conference I went backstage. Technicians running with equipment, girls putting on their make-up, musicians making last phonecalls to make sure everything's ready... Trying to make my way through this chaos I was just looking around, not exactly sure where I was supposed to be going.
I noticed a big, tall man trying to sort out some boxes with instruments on the flloor. His hair was fairly short, cut in a mohawk, with some dreadlocks in the back. I smiled, it suited him so well. He lift his head up, calling somebody's name. He noticed me and paused. Without a word, with long, heavy steps he came up to me, kissed me on a cheek, and huged - for all the years that had passed, it seemed. It lasted a good few minutes. "God is so good," he finally said, smiling.

Sun was already setting, we've been talking for good three hours now. The little boy was occupied with toy cars, but still sitting on my lap.
"Another cup of coffee?" he asked, interrupting the endless exchange of real life stories.
"Umm... yeah... maybe not..." I wasn't sure if I wanted more or how much longer we would be staying there.
"Still can't make fast decisions, can ya..." he teased me. "I'd be happy to make one for you. We're staying, and you're having coffee." Laughing at my indecisiveness he grabbed the two mugs on the table and headed for the kitchen.

Maybe really not that much has changed. I still can't make quick decisions, and he still fits the universe in his house. I'm still sarcastic, and he's still an innocent rebel.
Maybe the year has not brought much change at all. We're still souls looking for some peace in this life, we're still nomads craving warmth and something to sustain us. We still seek reasons to smile, and we hope to wake up in the morning just slightly happier than when we closed our eyes the night before.

purification

2008-12-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

The holidays come at the right time in my life, it seems.

Hanukkah, commonly known as the Feast of Lights, is also called the Feast of Dedication (Hebrew Hanukkah or Chanukah) or Purification. Historically, the feast commemorates the rededication of the Holy Temple to the only God after it has been abused and profaned. Hanukkah represents victory of faith over mere humanism.
Tradition speaks of a miracle that proved God is always there to help His people, if we are willing and take the first step. The process of purification, according to Scriptures, takes seven days. During that process, a Menorah needs to be burning, however in the Temple there was enough oil only for a single day. The Jews did not give up hope however, and decided to take up the challenge. Thanks to their great faith God was able to bless their efforts - only after they lit the menorah on the first day, He could make it burn on the remaining days. Thus, we celebrate Hanukkah for eight days - after 7 days of puritication, the Temple could be rededicated on the 8th day.

Through Messiah, Jesus Christ, and His Holy Spirit, we are called God's Temple today. He lives in us. Sometimes we need purification and rededication as well. Today is the third day of Hanukkah. It started Sunday night (as you may remember, in the lunar Jewish calendar, days start and end at sundown) and will end with sundown of next Monday. As you celebrate Christmas this week, I encourage you to also think of Hanukkah - maybe there's something in your life that you need to rededicate. Purify. So that on the 8th day you can look ahead with joy and with great hopes.

It hurts to know that some things in one's life were wrong. And to get back on track is a painful process. But the process of rededication sets you free. It takes patience and character, it takes dignity and class.

As I light my candles, I pray God will sustain the flame.

day the Hallow’s Eve is eve to

2008-11-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

I have my moments when I turn to silence and am in awe of where I am, when I am, what's around me, and what's happening today, here, with me, to me... I love Europe for this. For that sense of history on every corner, the space for spacing out, that smell of romanticism and character combined.

Saturday, November 1, 7:23 PM. All Hollow's Day.

Ever since coming back from the States, on this day I either walk or drive down to the cementaries in town after dark. No, not to visit the graves, not to pray for the dead... I go to pray for the living.

As I drive the radio surprises me with highly appropriate tunes, so if you want to join me, play this as you read on (it's just music, no actual video). Don't be scared, it's Steve Hackett, he can be trusted. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwIxL6p6jJ4

The roads are as empty as the roads of Jerusalem on Yom Kippur (they say you can sleep on the highways and you'll wake unharmed). I pull up by what used to be my kindergarden at one point in life, and turn of the engine. The world is quiet, deserted, and dark. Amazing. I walk over to the little fence of the cementary, and what I see takes my breath away.

Light... the most beautiful thing in the world is light. It could be the very reason why I love both water and clear glass so much. The only reason why water and glass can be seen is light... the reflection of it... the breaking of rays... The light I see here is full of color, the view ironically looks so alive. There's not a grave that is left alone in the darkness.

These people are so in need of hope... No, not the dead ones. I mean the ones that barely live and light their candles on graves of others in hopes that one day some other fearful soul will light one on theirs.

This day, which reminds my countrymen of the dead, reminds me of the living that are so afraid of dying.

It is the main reason why I'm there that very moment, at the most peaceful night of the year. I think of the families that have lost their loved ones at some point in their lives, never having received the comfort of knowing what has happened to them. I look at the green lamp on one of the graves. Green - color of hope... The silence all around reminds me of the endless fear that this place has been filled with over the course of the day... The fear of "where am I headed", "what is to become of me", "is this all there is"...

And so I pray. So they can find the answer, so they can find peace. Not live on the hope that one day someone will light their candle, so they are not completely forgotten.

A waterfall where you lift your head
Colours cascade from green to red
And the fireflies that dance when the light is fading
You drift away on the night ride
With eyes that dream as much as they see
The wind in the willows winding through the grass
The drawbridge of consciousness is lifted at last

Where are you going?

Sukkot

2008-10-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

sukkot, day 1
So last night Sukkot begun, and today was the first day... I feel like I should say a few more words about it, before I move on to more earthly things (aka celebrations ;)). Sukkot, also known as the Feast of Tabernacles, was a time set apart by God Himself for the people to celebrate and be glad. Sukka is a tent/tabernacle/booth in Hebrew, and Sukkot (plural) is to remind people that God lead His people out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, and they all lived in sukkas as they traveled.
How does it relate to us, non Jews?All who have found Hope in life, have been brought out of some "Egypt" in their lives, out of slavery and opression of whatever kind. We all have hope for the future, we are expecting "the Promised Land", we trust God will fulfill our dreams, but even more so, we reach out for the Promise Land that is Heaven.
I personally love one special aspect of Sukkot - it's a celebration of the time the Hebrews were still in the desert. They were not in the promised land yet, so why celebrate that? We celebrate the fact that they believed. They were excited for what they knew only by faith. Sukkot is a celebration of hope. We can all hope for the impossible, because God has the power to make it happen.
Also, another reason why Sukkot is special, is because during those holidays our Messiah was born - Yeshua, known as Jesus. Yep, I'm sorry to ruin your "Christmas", He was NOT born on Dec 25. :/
My congregation entrusted me with all the planning for Sukkot. The doors are open every day during the feast, and we even set up a tent/booth *inside*! :))) Last night Sukkot has begun with a joyful worship for our whole music band. There were people decorating still, musicians practising, there was so much life, and so much joy, and so much... chocolate. :))) lol, it was funny, nobody planned this, but several people brought chocolate with them, and there was more than we could eat.
Today I had a true Yom Tov (literally, "good day", the name of the first day of Sukkot). I slept in, rested, enjoyed a day off... In the afternoon I picked up our guest speaker and enjoyed the time spent with her. Yola taught me something new that I decided to adapt for myself: "An optimist says the glass is half full. An optimistic Jew pours the water into a smaller glass and says, it's no longer half, but it's FULL." I love it, I'm so going to claim it.
Yola spoke about traditions of Sukkot and how it's celebrated in Jerusalem. After that she tried teaching us some Hebrew. :) It was hilarious, everyone got so jolly, it was almost surreal. Out of a sudden, people got talkative, tried to read from right to left, laughed at themselves for not being able to write a simple letter... A totally happy, festive time! With lighting the candles and prayers we started the second day of Sukkot after sundown. Tomorrow Yola will try to teach us some more Hebrew, and to be precise - a prayer in Hebrew.
Chag Sukkot Sameach! (happy Sukkot holidays!)

Sukkot, day 2
The day started perfect. Both of my parents have days off now, so we slept in and after that enjoyed a lovely long breakfast. Have I ever told you how I love breakfasts? My favorite meal of the day, and my favorite meal to go out for too! Two best breakfasts in my life? My 21 birthday breakfast with Alissa at Marie Calenders, and IHOP breakfast with Chris, Tim and Bonnie after they picked me up from the airport in LA two years ago. <3 you guys.
Anyway, today, yes. After breakfast I ran errands, met with some friends, got some things done... Enjoyed jazz music. Yes, it doesn't happen much (to such a complicated person as myself jazz is simply... too complicated), but I really felt like it. With light sounds and in good spirits I tiptoed through the day.
Today we had Yola with us once again (more in my previous blog), and had Hebrew classes with her. I love it, I really love it, and I miss being in class. There were people of all ages, I think starting with 15 and all the way up to... 65 maybe? People of all vocations, and without vocations, businessmen sitting next to former convicts... All equal in a "classroom". :) What a blast. I have to say that it does make a difference whether you learn things yourself, or you have a teacher. Yola was teaching us the alphabet, reading and writing letters. It's all stuff I have already learned on my own, but having a teacher made a difference, because I could hear it from her and say it back to her (and be corrected, if necessary).
I sat next to Estella and we concluded, we wouldn't get to far had we been in the same class. The amount of talking, giggling and distracting one other (and others) was unacceptable. :P On the other side of the "classroom" were "the boys", and of course, they were the loudest, cocky ones. Oh, did I mention they were all between 25 and 35? Being in class together brings out the best in people. :) We all tried to show off with our amazing skills in deciphering Hebrew letters, laughed when the cocky folk made a mistake, and cheered when the shy ones took on a challenge. Beautiful sight.
After our Hebrew class, the main auditorium was passed over to the men's prayer group. They meet every Wednesday, and this time they agreed to move from their usual meeting place to our Sukka (= tent/tabernacle/booth, read more in previous blog). You know, I never cease to be amazed with that group... There is not another prayer group in our congregation that is so big, so strong, so diligent, and so loud. :) They alternate prayers with songs, and they are not afraid to pray with their whole hearts and minds and strength - whether it be begging, jumping for joy, crying, singing, even bargaining with God. Whenever I have a chance to hear them pray, I see an army of warriors. It seems like all their voices are really deep, their words are strong and very specific. No, it's not a discrimination against guys that don't fit in that stereotype. None of these guys really look or sound like warriors on a daily basis. But they do when they pray. It's amazing... God loves a fighter.
Tonight they sang Messianic worship songs, the few that they knew, all squeezed under our one pretty Sukka... The whole place was filled with a wonderful fragrance - the fragrance of the knowledge of the Messiah, the fragrance of life (2 Cor. 2:14-17).
Chag Sukkot Sameach!

Sukkot, day 3
What a day... I hope this never ends. I had a really good day overall, but I really wish to talk only about the Sukkot meeting we had in the evening, as everyday, because it was a fascinating one...
Our guest speaker, Jacek Proszyk, is a historian, Jewish history professor, and an excellent researcher, or may I even say, explorer. He came in to speak about the Jewish history of our region, and I may have listened to him with mouth open throughout the whole time. Unbelievably eye-opening, and educating. I will share some of it with you... I live in the state (district?) of Silesia, more specifically in the Silesia of Cieszyn (that's a name of a town), an area along the border with Czech Republic.
I always knew from history that this particular area used to be very Jewish, and it was still Jew-friendly between the first and second world war, until the Nazis came in. I didn't know, however, that this was one of the few regions in Poland, or even central Europe, where Jews and nonJews lived so close that it was hard to separate them, or tell them apart!, when the Nazis came.
My hometown used to have its own synagogue, sadly, it was burnt by the Germans in 1939.
I am happy to say that my apartment is across the street from where the synagogue used to be.
Most Jews that lived in this region were reformed, which means they did not wear sidelocks, nor black hats and the like. That's the main reason why the Nazis couldn't tell them apart. They owned most businesses, Jews and nonJews went to same schools and both served on the city counsil. Very unlike other parts of Europe already at that point... When the war broke out, a lot of Jewish orphans were sent here and orphanages got established, as it was considered one of the safest places at that time. Up until the Nazis built Auschwitz...
The number of Jews decreased significantly, but the history remains. Some of us have grandparents that managed to stay alive despite having one Jewish parent. Some managed to hide their identity... Today the young people are trying to break the stigma of antisemitic Poland. They clean the Jewish cementaries, promote Jewish culture, and celebrate the days that are important in Jewish history.
And some of us celebrate the Jewish holidays, because our God told us to. :) A long, long time ago already... And so we do. We keep them and enjoy them. And we bless every survivor, and delight in all that remains.
Whew, I feel so brainy today... :)
Chag Sukkot Sameach!

Sukkot, day 4
The day started with lots of driving around and visiting friends. It was good, it gave me some time to think, but also appreciate my surrounding. I was going to say this is one of my favorite times of the year, because everything is just so stunning, colorful and diverse, but at the same time, I could say that about the beginning of every season, when the visible changes take my breath away.
I am so behind with all my work... I can slowly feel the pressure and the tension... And it looks like I will be taking even more on myself in the near future, so we'll see how that goes... keep me in your prayers though, would ya?
Our Sukkot meeting in the evening was very pleasant, and a wonderful surprise. It was a small concert of one man from our congregation, who's really good, but a little old school. I figured, it could be fun, we need to give him a chance. :) Well, not only lots of people came, some faces completely new to me, but also it was actually very good and FUN! Surprisingly enough he prepared lots of songs in Hebrew, had most lyrlics up on the screen so people could sing along... Great stuff! People stayed afterwards, carried on with their conversations, laughed and simply enjoyed... I wasn't all that stressed today with organizational stuff, and I managed to enjoy the sight of people of all ages gathered.
I think I forgot to mention that while we are here celebrating, there is also a group of our friends (from Poland) in Israel - united in prayer and worship. They are in Jerusalem for a whole week to intercede. Among them my brother... They were encouraged to go by the words of Zechariah:14:16 Then the survivors from all the nations that have attacked Jerusalem will go up year after year to worship the King, the Lord Almighty, and to celebrate the Feast of Tabernacles.
We have attacked Jerusalem in more ways than one... There was a time of repentance and many words of appologies from country officials. Now it was time for the survivors - all of us - to go up to Jerusalem to worship during the feast of Sukkot. The group of 50 people gathered in a House of Prayer off of Jaffa Street represent my family, my congregation, and my country this year.
Chag Sukkot Sameach!

Sukkot, day 5
I love Shabbat. I wish it would come more often. It barely ended and I already look forward to the next one. It started strange though. I couldn't fall asleep because I was stressing out about stuff, and I woke up about 2 hours earlier than I usually would, again, due to stress. Thankfully, I got some wonderful people help me out, and got some hugs at the start of my day, so it soon got better.
When I got to our congregation, I thought I would be the first one there, and to my surprise, the place was already fully alive. Tables set up, equipment running, chairs arranged... I love our people. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I stressed so much. At the meeting we had about three or four times as many people as on previous days. Obviously, it's Shabbat, so that was to be expected. But we actually ran out of chairs at some point, so that was a nice surprise. Our guest speaker, a Messianic Rabbi from Warsaw, visits us every month, so his whole "fan club" was there too. :)
What he spoke about was naturally, very special and eye-opening. It's amazing how much you can always learn from the Bible, no matter how many times you read it. He said that Sukkot is not a matter of the past, but of the present and future. It is one of the three main biblical holidays that God puts special emphasis on. Two of them were already fulfilled and one is yet to be. What are they? It's Pesach (Passover), Shavuot (Pentecost) and Sukkot (Tabernacles). Pesach, a reminder of the lamb that was sacrificed to save Israelites from death in Egypt, was fulfilled by the Lamb that died to save all from death overall. Shavuot, the giving of the Law on stone tablets, was fulfilled when the Law was written on people's hearts - when the Holy Spirit was given. Sukkot, the journey from captivity into the Promised Land, is yet to be fulfilled in our lives.
The Promised Land, in other words Heaven, is still ahead of us. While in the desert, Isralites lived in tents/booths called Sukkah, like I mentioned before. They are a symbol of this world being our temporary home.
A synonym of Sukkah is Huppah. Do you know what a Huppah is? It's a kind of tent/booth, but used especially for weddings. All Jewish wedding ceremonies are performed under a Huppah.
Celebrating Sukkot we are preparing ourselves for a true wedding feast. The Sukkah that we live in now will be fulfilled only after we can finally stand under a Huppah, with our Beloved, the One.
Doesn't it help understand what this holiday is really about?
Chag Sukkot Sameach!

Sukkot, day 6
I seriously cannot believe how fun these holidays are. :)
As my congregation has fellowship on Sundays, I was asked to help out this morning with Sunday School for children. I had to speak to kids for the first time in my life, and MAN, was I freaked out! :) Haha, I'm serious, I don't think I deal with kids well, I love them but I don't know how to communicate with them and I think I usually scare them. : I know how to get attention of adults, but how do you keep kids interested in what you have to say?!
It was all age groups together, so about 30 kids aged 3 to 13. I think. My three favorite kids in our congregation are 4 years olds. One may be 5. By God's grace everything went smoothly. The kids listened, and even answered my questions! I love how bright they are. I was teaching on what it means to be a watchman on the walls of Jerusalem. You know, you can tell kids to pray for Israel, you can teach them that it's the land that Jesus walked... Kids don't care. You need to get them involved! I asked who would like to be a watchman, and almost all hands shoot up immediatelly!
The cutest thing was, when after that I started talking about something else, like 5 min into it, an adorable 4 year old raises his little hand, and says: "I would like to be a watchman." omg I wanted to steal him! :)))
I have two funny stories to share. :) omg, I laughed so hard...First- one of the "aunts" (did you also call your Sunday School teachers "auntie" and "uncle"?) was trying to teach the kids a short Bible verse that simply says "Pray for the peace in Jerusalem." She was trying to have them guess what to pray for, so she asked: "What do we pray for, kids? For Jerusalem, we pray for...?" A five year old jumps up: "AN UPRISING!"
Hahaha, about three of us, helpers, looked at each other, cracking up, "A Prophet or sumthin?" Haha.
The second story is even funnier. That same aunt was asking the kids questions, to see how much they remember. Who is the star on the flag named after? David, good. What is the most important city in Israel? Jerusalem, yes. What are the Israeli people called? Jews, correct. Now what is the name of the person that came from the Jewish nation that is a gift to all mankind? A girl raises her hand: "Auntie Ester!":))))))))) Best thing I have ever heard IN MY LIFE. All teachers almost peed their pants. I almost fell off my chair. It was hilarious! After that, how do you tell them, "no, actually, it's Jesus." :)))
All in all, as you can see, I <3 the kids at our congregation now. They are such a funny and super-intelligent bunch! No, not because they confused me with the Messiah (lol), but because they care! Because they are better listeners than adults. Because they ask honest questions. They are so sincere and innocent still. Oh, I also gave them all a nickname - I now call them owls. No, not because they are so smart or because they can stay up really late. It's because their heads can turn every direction! :))) lol, it's so true! While they listen, they manage to turn everywhere and to everyone. AND still being alert! Amazing, haha.
In the evening, we gathered with a small group of people to watch a Delirious concert on dvd. First I shared a bit of what the Bible teaches on worship and on dance (oh yeah ;)), and then we watched parts of the concert at Willow Creek.
Time to believe in miracles. Chag Sukkot Sameach!

Sukkot, day 7
Technically the last day of Sukkot (since there are 7 days of Sukkot itself... but it's not the end of the holidays - I will explain later), Hoshana Rabbah means the Great Hosanna, or in other words, Great Supplication. On this day, the Jews (not just today, but already in biblical times), would carry a lulav (a combination of branches of three spiecies) in one hand, and etrog (citron) in the other, to wave them before the Lord. Actually, to be exact, lulav is one of the species - date palm, and the other two are hadass (myrtle) and aravah (willow). The biblical reference to this can be found in the book of Leviticus 23:40.
Tradition says, the four different species stand for four different groups of Jews, but it can be expanded to all people...
ETROG has both scent and flavor - it's the people who know Torah (God's Word) and live by it.LULAV has flavor but doesn't smell - it's the people who know the Bible well, but there are no deeds that go with it...HADASS has scent, but no taste - these people obey the Law unknowingly, they live well but do not know the Word of God.ARAVAH has neither smell nor taste - it's the people that don't know Torah and don't have the deeds.
Waiving all of these in all directions of the world, the Jew is asking God to sanctify and save all of these people. However, if they are saved, it's a matter of one's heart. It should be one's goal to be an Etrog.
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Tonight at our meeting we studied the history of Israel AFTER the times of the Bible (historically), so starting with the first century of our era. It was fascinating to go through the centuries and see how the land's rulers changed constantly.
INTERESTING FACT 1: There were always Jews in the land. As they were dispersed around the world, there were always families that remained.
INTERESTING FACT 2: There was never an independent Arab country on this land; if it was ruled by Arabs, it was rulers from other countries, like Egypt.INTERESTING FACT 3: An idea to establish a Jewish country in this land came about already in 1700s, from Napoleon. He did not succeed overcoming the Turks.
INTERESTING FACT 4: Before the land became a British Mandate (1922), it was occupied by Turks (not Arabs).
INTERESTING FACT 5: The Zionist movement began already in the 19th century, and not, as many believe, after the Second World War. A large number of Jews lived in their land already before 1900s.
INTERESTING FACT 6: Palestinians, as a people's group, are mentioned for the first time ever in history in 1928. Before that, "Palestine" was only a geographic region (named by Romans) that included both today's Israel and Jordan.
INTERESTING FACT 7: United Nations did not decide to simply establish a country of Israel. UNO proposed a plan of establishing TWO countries - one Jewish, one Arab. Jews agreed, Arabs didn't. Thus, one Jewish state + endless "Palestinian" complaints (in form of attacks, more often than not).
It's interesting to learn new facts about history. And makes you wonder what "historical right" are Israel's enemies talking about. There is always one truth.
Chag Sukkot Sameach!

after Sukkot, day 8
Last day of the holidays, Shemini Atzeret (and also Simchat Torah in Israel, but about that later), is a day when you pray for rain... Traditionally, a priest would go down to the Stream of Siloah to draw water, and a whole procession would follow him up to the Temple. There, they would circle the altar seven times praying God will take away sin from Israel, remembering that this is also the way in which Jericho fell. After that, the priest would pour out the water over the altar, praying that God would send rain in the coming season - rain that symbolizes life, abundance, blessing, and fruitfulness.
This ritual also takes place in Jesus' time. What happens on Shemini Atzeret when Yeshua is there? In the Gospels, we read about Sukkot in John 7. Events from Shemini Atzeret are described in verse 37 and the following: On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Yeshua stood and said in a loud voice: "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."
If you're a believer, I bet we've all heard that in Sunday School and in Bible classes and all other possible places like a thousand times in our lives. However no one ever mentions what this "last and greatest day of the Feast" was about. What a shame... Knowing about the whole ritual, and the tradition, and the prayer for rain, doesn't it make a world of difference in how we understand Yeshua's words?
Take your time, read the first two paragraphs again, to put it together.
After that, the author of the Gospel adds:By this He meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were later to receive.
At our congregation we prayed for rain that day. We prayed for rain, as in God's blessing and provision, but more importantly for His Holy Spirit. We need His Spirit in Poland, and we prayed for Israel as well. I encourage all of you to keep Israel in your prayers. But I also know that most of you who are American desperatelly need God's rain in your country as well - the rain that sustains life. With the economic turmoil and uncertain future of your politics, it is God who can keep you safe and stable. I'm saying this in humility and with care - please pray for your own countries and for God's beloved one.
I'm sad to have these holidays end, but I'm also overjoyed that we celebrated Sukkot at my congregation every day. I feel honored that I was entrusted with organizing it, and I was amazingly blessed with people who helped me out with this - most of which did it without me asking. That's true friendship, and true devotion. At the very end of the meeting I was surprised with a gorgeous gift from the attendees - a china bowl in shape of the Star of David. So classy, and so divine! :)
Chag Sukkot Sameach!
That day in Israel is also Simchat Torah, which, outside of Israel, is celebrated the day after (so we get to celebrate longer :)). It literally means, the Joy of God's Word, or Rejoicing with the Torah, and Jews, until this day, dance holding it, sing and clap their hands in synagogues. On this day in the Synagogues, you finish reading the last chapter of Torah (so last chapter of Deuteronomy), and start reading the first one (of Genesis). It symbolizes the great truth that exploring and delighting in the Scripture is a never ending journey. It goes on and on, and you read it over and over, and it never gets boring, and you never get enough... So true, so true...

Yom Kippur

2008-10-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow (starts today at sundown) is Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. The day of Atonement, and day of Judgement.

Back when Israel still had the Temple, on Yom Kippur the High Priest used to take two goats, and draw lots to select which would be a sin offerring, and the other one would be driven away to the desert, carrying people's transgressions.

When Jesus - full name: Yeshua Son of the Father in Heaven, was judged, it was a lottery between him and Barabbas - full name: Yeshua Bar Abbas = Yeshua son of the father. It was a lottery between two Yeshuas, both called sons of the father...
The true Son of the Father was chosen to die as a sin offering, the other "son of the father" was released to wonder free in the desert...

Nothing that God commands or does is without meaning. Everything before and everything after the Messiah speaks of Him.

There was and still is atonement in the sin offering.

blog moved from myspace - Jan-Sept of 2008

2008-09-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

TODAY
hi yoda’at

This is my sixth attempt to write this blog. There's so many thoughts in my mind, and I just don't know where to start. Israel grew to be such a huge part of who I am that I am no longer capable of writing about it as of a foreign land. In the past year I was there three times - I've never been that many times in one year to a single country. First time alone, second with my mom, now with my photographer, Jan. As we were walking the deserted hills of Golan, praying we don't come across any Syrian land mines, Jan says to me: "You know Israel better than Poland by now." I stopped and looked at him. Do I really? "Think about it, have you been to every province in Poland?" He was right. I know about Israel more than I do about any other country - geographically, politically, and from religious and cultural point of view. I've been to every region, read every book of Torah, and studied its history throughout the centuries.
As we drive around the whole country with our very own guide, Eliahu, and driver, Meir, I do all the talking, since Jan doesn't speak much English. Both Meir and Eliahu are religious, and yet they would never let their children marry. There are dozens of levels of how religious you can be. Most Jews I've met in Israel were nonbelievers. Sounds weird, to be a nonbelieving Jew, right? The only religious ones I've met thus far were American Jews. Eliahu and Meir show me Israeli life from the inside, and we quickly gain each other's trust as we get to know one another.
Eliahu eats only kosher food, prays in the synagogue every day, and believes God is in control of everything. And yet he was the less religious one. Meir, father of seven, already looks more orthodox - no, no sidelocks, but white shirt and a black kippa. He's not allowed to shake my hand (the Scripture says you can't touch a woman if she's on her period, and since there is no way for a man to know, Meir's sect decides a man can touch only his wife), and doesn't talk to me much at first. I understand it and respect it, so I try even not to be with Meir one on one, even if it means I need to get out of the car when Jan takes pictures. He seems grateful and that breaks the first ice. I'm no longer a goy - a foreigner or stranger, and after a few hours in the car Meir already takes up the challenge of teaching me some Hebrew.
They both seem to be weirded out by me: why are you Polish and not Catholic? howcome you're a Christian and know the Old Testament so well? what made you put on a sweater before you entered Kotel? how did you know what siddur is? After already one day the phrase they exchange most often is "hi yoda'at" - she knows. Soon they learn that the only reason why "she" really does know is because she loves God and His Word.
For the first time in my life I am truly being treated like a daughter of the Almighty King - I get VIP treatment at 5 star hotels, I'm being welcomed with baskets of fruit, bottles of wine and boxes of chocolate everywhere I go. I get rooms/tables/seats with special view and special service. For the first time in my life I am comfortable being who I am, where I am, and how I am, because I am cherished for that. My cup overflows as strangers greet me saying: "Ester? Like Queen Ester? Can I call you Queen Ester then?" Even cheesy lines and cheesy situations make you feel warm inside when you see the joy in people's eyes. Joy that you have spoken to them.
I am indebted now, to the country of Israel. Right now it is my responsibility to write about it - to write the truth, to write a lot, and to write from the heart.After searching my soul, I could even say...piece of cake. :)

June 09, 2008
the universe is changing

It all started when I stepped on a snail. Apart from shaking the universe out of its natural balance, I may have also caused some serious damage to my psyche. I don't remember killing even an insect this year thus far. It was traumatic.
Is it normal to "miss" Narnia and Rivendell as much as I do? They feel like a "home" that I have never lived in. Kinda like Israel. I want to go home.I'd also like a centaur in my life.
My trip to Prague made me realize how much I love art, and how I miss having friends who know and appreciate art, so I could talk to them about it. In highschool I had a friend who looked like Amelie (from the French movie), in college I had Alissa. Today I have graphic designers. :/Please don't think I'm ignorant just because my taste is "all over the place", but here are some artists I like:Impressionists above all else (Monet, Renoir, Degas, some Cezanne), Michelangelo, Mucha, Dali, Klimt. That's all I can think of right now.
Remember how I always claim to be Arwen? Well, aparently, I may not be that far from truth.I took a quiz to see what mythical creature I am, hoping to see a description of a centaur (forgive my current fever; it will come to pass). Well, giving honest answers in the quiz I unfortunatelly failed and did not turn out to be a centaur. I know, a shocker, isn't it? Well, surprise surprise, I'm an elf.
Your result: ELF
You are an elf. An elf is like a human but much fairer and pure. Elves are usually tall, with pointed ears, and resemble humans very closely, but elves are usually much more beautiful. Elves are a distant race. They prefer to keep to themselves, because often, many of them feel that their race is superior to humans. Elves symbolize wisdom, prudence, love, and hope. They are very merry and happy. They are forever young and delight in music. They are natural artists as well.
So who are you?
By the way (this is completely NOT by the way, but nevertheless), did you know it's Shavuot today? It's the day when the Torah was given to the Jewish people at Mount Sinai. The day is also known as the Pentecost, and it not only memorializes the first giving of the law written on tablets of stone, but it also memorializes, on the same day many years later, the giving of the Holy Spirit, when the law of God is written in the heart of the believer.
Goodnight.

April 24, 2008
something different

Oh my, I am back... so weird. Traveling weirds you out, did you know that? You've seen, heard, felt, touched, experienced, lived through so many things, and then you go back to a reality that hasn't changed much at all... your desk at work still has that coffee stain you left, and there's still that same amount of gas in your tank... Your dog still finds your old shoe more fascinating than your foot, and people play the same songs in the background as you converse with friends over dinner. Weird is the only word you can describe your feelings with.
I really don't know what stories to share, and where to start with retelling my travel experiences, so I decided to do something different this time. I copied a survey from someone (since I'm a survey pro...), and decided to have all my answers relate to my trip to Israel. Hopefully this will bring you closer to where I was.

Five Snacks I enjoy
1. Matzo, for sure. During Pesach (Passover) that's all the "bread" you will get.
2. Falafel, supposedly the no.1 national food of Israel (this was before Pesach)
3. Best fresh fruit smoothies I've ever had
4. Dry dates
5. Hummus dip (something I miss the most, foodwise)

Things I would do if I were a billionaire
1. Buy an apartment in Yerushalaim
2. Buy an apartment in Eilat
3. Buy land by lake Kinneret (Sea of Galilee)
4. Buy a house on the outskirts of Tel Aviv
5. Spoil myself with a complete body renewal spa treatment extravaganza by the Dead Sea ;)))

Three of my habits
1. I spent a lot of my time just wandering... I walked probably about 7-10 miles every day (at least in Jerusalem).
2. Since I like trying new things, every day I would go to some place new, eat something new, buy something new, do something in a new way...
3. I love maps, and I take pride in my great geographical orientation. Sometimes I'd even purposely get lost (like keep walking down a street I didn't know), so I could figure out a new part of town later.

Bad Habits
1. I meet people easily, and I think I may accidentally flirt with guys sometimes. :x I was given email addresses from several people, some of which I knew for less than a half an hour.
2. I spend money on stuff I don't need, but I buy it because I love Israel so much (I bought tons of random things only because in my mind I associate it with Israel)
3. I judge tourists. :/ I despise people who are ignorant, who complain, who stick to their ways so much that they can't survive in a different culture...

Five place I have lived(well, only been to, not really lived ;))
1. Tel Aviv
2. Eilat
3. by the Dead Sea
4. Tiberias
5. Jerusalem

Five things not many people know about me
1. People there always think I'm either Jewish/Israeli or American. I always have to explain why a Polish girl is named Ester and why she speaks English so well.
2. This was my third trip to Israel, second in the last year, and I will go again next year (at least once for sure).
3. I never walk into churches in Israel. I have stood on the doorstep of many, and I walked in maybe two, but only because there was something I found intriguing. I am appalled with how occultic they have become, how godless and how artificial their so called "meaning" or "purpose" is.
4. Seeing Jewish families with 4-9 kids makes me want to have at least four.
5. I love Arabs, but I have difficulties feeling or expressing God's love for Palestinians and Muslims (the three names are often confused, but these are very different groups of people - yes, one can be Arab and Palestinian and Muslim, but being one doesn't mean you have to be the other).

How many TRUE friends do you have?
There - I don't know if I can call them true, close friends, but I have at least four friends good enough to stay with (aka, I wouldn't feel awkward asking them for a place to stay for a couple of nights).

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
I WISH I was still wearing all the summer clothes I did wear in Israel... the weather there was so perfect for me... remind me, why did I ever leave California?

What are you excited about right now?
Frankly - I am excited for my next trip to Israel already. :))) But I'm also excited about the two books I will be putting together in the near future - both relate to Israel.

Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
Always cry over the truth - and I do cry over the truth in Israel a lot... it seriously breaks my heart, and has affected the way I pray in so many ways...

Who's the last person you got into a argument with?
While there, I didn't really get into an argument with anybody, but there were some unexpressed "conflicts" between people... I usually just avoid the people I don't get along with. And I certainly did not get along with some people on the tour I was with, due to my inability to tolerate ignorance (thankfully, I did not spend much time with the group, and I was moving around on my own).

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
Although some people would try to talk me out of it, I think I'd still go for Jerusalem. My second choice would be a bit north of Kinneret (Sea of Galilee).

Are you close with your mom?
My mom was traveling with me, actually. She decided to come along at the last minute. NO ONE believed me whenever I said she's my mom, coz she looks so young! I didn't mind, and I'm sure mom enjoyed it. :)

Do you get bored easily?
no, not really. I like to plan my own adventures, or go with the flow with no plans at all. I get fascinated with stuff easily. Although sometimes I wished I had a companion there - someone about my age, adventurous and curious as I. I guess you could say some evenings I did get bored, but that always resulted with a good thing - getting some more sleep. :)

What's something that someone can do that really bothers you?
Complain, complain, complain. And act against the rules or laws (for example, some people couldn't handle the fact that bread wasn't served in the hotel, so they would secretly bring in bread they bought from Arabs...). Pathetic.

Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger?
No, I would never. Just my name itself has opened so many doors for me. Jews in general are very reserved and cautious. Introducing myself is always the best ice-breaker.

When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more?
Can you believe I didn't swim at all this time around? In Eilat I decided to walk around town instead, in Tel Aviv we did not have time, and you can't really swim in Kinneret. Plus, none of our hotels had pools. :

What is the weather like today?
TOO COLD! I miss the heat so much... :( You know, I realized, I really do love heat, and I don't mind sweating, being sunburned, gasping for air, going blind from the sun... Seriously, even the worst heat is better than cold.

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
God is. It's mutual.

April 10, 2008
heart fully alive

sweet dreams.
Such common two words, and yet they always remind me of one person. I remember hearing them every night for a blessed period of about two years, and though it was some time ago, it still brings me back to a small apartment in sunny California. By God's grace, I was blessed to hear those same words from that same person five times in the past week or so. Laura, my dear friend, college roommate, and sister in spirit, graced Poland with her presence.
What did we do? Oh, nothing exceptionally unusual... spent lots of time with my church friends, hung out with my bro, watched Friends, cooked, shopped, went up the mountains, drank coffee, jumped on trees...
Life is so much fun with friends around.
I also learned a lot this weekend - about myself, my life, what God made me and what He wants from me. Through some special people God told me things I needed to hear. It's hard to write about it, because no matter what I say, it's still not going to be enough. Let's just say... this is how you know God knows everything about us and speaks to us - when people who hardly know you tell you of things that are hidden in your heart, and they confirm it to you that this is something you need to go for... and the talents and strengths you're given are actually going to serve a greater purpose.
Makes you excited to be alive.

January 09, 2008
free at last, thank God Almighty, I’m free at last

I just became your Master today.
Or... Master of Arts. Same difference. ;)
Do you even know what it means?! No school. No homework. No 5-hour trainrides to Warsaw. No $80-commute every other weekend. No stress prior to exams... Oh my word... just thinking about that makes me feel like a winner. :)))
Thank you, those of you who prayed, and who believed I could do it.
All praise be to God, who is faithful - who first got me into that school, and now got me out of it victorious. :)

blog moved from myspace - 2007

2008-08-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

November 01, 2007
of great value

There are three girls known as the Pearls:
essy
dottie
stella
Actually we didn’t name ourselves pearls. We started a program called the Pearl, and other people just automatically started calling us that. The three of us hold lectures and workshops around Poland on the topics of: feminity, self-worth, self-respect, etc. Yes, you guessed it - all based on Christian values. Usually we get single invitations, so we go do our thing and come back. This time, we got four invites from northern Poland (8+ hours by train), so we made it a tour type of thing. Spent one or two nights in each city and moved on to the next. It was beautiful, we were impressed with how people treated us and how much they did for us.
You may wonder why or how I do this, since I’m not a person that would strike you as confident or with a healthy self-image (haha, don’t you dare laughing at me! - I know who’s smirking right now ;)). But you know, one doesn’t have to be "all that" to know that they were created by God for a reason, purposely the way they are, with a calling for life. That part about myself I know and try to always remember. Naturally, everyone likes to hear they are beautiful (women especially), but more than that, everyone wants to hear they are beautiful INSIDE out.
We want teenage girls to know that they are stunning, because God loaded them with amazing qualities, talents, and gifts. Yes, I believe every woman is stunning. If anyone gets an impression that there are women who are not - it just means that something has gone wrong. If a woman hides, neglects, fears or exploits her own beauty it means she was hurt on the way. Unfortunatelly usually by some man in her life - a father, a brother, a boyfriend, a classmate, a coworker, a teacher... whoever. Their dignity needs to be recovered, if they want to be happy again, or if the people around them want to be happy. You may not even be aware of what poor self-image most girls around you have.
We lead a workshop at one public school for 12-13 year old girls. At first they were intimidated, but it only took a few minutes for them to open up, giggle, speak up... It was touching to hear them discuss what emotional needs women have, and how they can already at 12-13 meet these needs in a good, healthy way. We had tons of fun. After we were all done, the girls were leaving the classroom with smiles on their faces. One girl stayed, she was really cute with her pitch black hair and chubby cheeks. She came up to me, staring at the ground, and asked: "umm, miss... what if I don’t see any beauty in me..." She lowered her head even more. Let me tell you... in that very moment I felt my heart sink. She was so precious, so delicate and quiet. And there was so much fear and pain in her voice.How do you answer such a question in five minutes? How do you explain a 12 year old girl that all the bad things she had heard about herself are not true? How do you help her understand that if she’s not going to be her beautiful self, no one else will? To the best of my ability I tried to tell her where the true beauty lies. But I really just wanted to hug her, hold her and keep telling her over and over about all the beautiful things I saw in her. That night I fell on my knees and broke into tears... It’s us, humans, that do this to one another! We crash each other’s worlds with what we say and how we treat one another.
I’ve been praying for that girl every single day. I cry every time, because there was so little I could have done. God can do more, and that’s the hope I have to hold on to. But this was just one 12 year old girl in this country. And there are thousands upon thousands more that need someone to tell them they are precious in Someone’s sight.
That’s why - the Pearl. Why Pearls in particular? "The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." (Gospel of Matthew 13:45-46)

August 03, 2007
my little sis

most of my friends are either around my age, or older. somehow i naturally find myself surrounded with older people, maybe because i grew up with an older brother and always enjoyed being the baby or maybe because my IQ is too high for the youngsters. ;))) i AM kidding. the younger friends i have, i am not close with and i don't think any of them would be one of the first people i'd call in an emergency.
there is one exception however. one little girl that is very close and dear to me, despite the fact that she is five years younger. someone i was with when she experienced her first heartbreaks, someone i took shopping and paid for her hair done when she was stressed out. a girl that kept calling me when i was picking up pieces of my own heart and avoided people. a sweet soul that wanted to study what i did, and to work with me.
She lost her father who was an alcoholic when she was probably around 10. Her mother, after being sick for a while, passed away when she was 14. For the past six years she lived her life without someone who would embrace her when she wanted to escape the world. There was no one to take her out to dinner after she got an A in class and no one to remind her to change her bedsheets. she started coming to our church. first for social reasons, later to know that Someone who watched over her.
it took me longer to look past her age, than for her to not be intimidated by my strong character or stand-offish attitude. when i finally took her out to coffee and let her in my life, i realized i was already very much part of hers. at this point, she was already friends with my brother, and surprisingly, even my parents, who most people think are intimidating, too. she didn't see them as speakers, directors, leaders of any sort - to her they were people she could hug and pray with. now i was that person, too.
tomorrow she gets married.
on wednesday we had her little bachelorette party at my house. as we were all laughing, sharing stories and eating healthy food (that's right! ;)), I looked at that little kid and smiled. She, whom i decided to share parents with, who is the best cook i know (at age 20!), who knows french how i know english, who trusts God like we don't even trust our moms - she is starting a new life. as we prayed over her, i realized how blessed i have been with her in my life. i was hugging my little sister who this saturday is going to be lead to the altar by my dad.
here's to you, little sister! as i drive you around tomorrow morning, as i sing a song for you two at the wedding, as i lift my glass to you both at the reception - I will be wishing and praying that our loving God will continue surpassing all your dreams and hopes.

July 08, 2007
seven wonders

Have you heard what the new seven wonders of the world are?
They've been announced yesterday (7.07.07), and the voting was open to people around the world... I remember voting some time in early Spring, so I can't quite remember what all the nominees were, and I can't remember exactly which ones I voted for, but I know for sure I voted at least for 5 out of the new seven. Which makes me happy. :)
A little nice reminder for all my readers - a few words about the original seven wonders of the world... some of you may know, only one of them is still around today. Interestingly enough, on top of it all, is that the seven were not even around in the same time periods, so there was never a time in history when one could see all seven.
The seven ancient wonders are:(note: some of them we can actually not be sure of how they looked like, or if they even existed...)
Hanging Gardens of Babylon (today's Iraq)
Temple of Artemis (Ephesus, Turkey)
Statue of Zeus (Greece)
Lighthouse of Alexandria (Egypt)
Mausoleum of Halicarnassus (Turkey)
Colossus of Rhodes (Greece)
And the only one remaining:Pyramids of Giza (Egypt)
The repetetiveness and monotony of countries on this list kills me...
So of the ones we have, I have done pretty good: I've seen 100% with my own eyes. :) Of the ones that are gone, I think I would most like to see the Colossus of Rhodes or the Gardens of Babylonia, because there are so many versions of what they could've looked like... And every version looks astounding.

Before I move on to the modern wonders, I should probably mention that there also are seven wonders of nature:
Grand Canyon (USA)
Northern Lights (North Pole + "surroundings")
Mt. Everest (Tibet)
Great Barrier Reef (Australia)
Victoria Falls (Zimbabwe)
Paricutin Volcano (Mexico)
The harbor of Rio de Janeiro (Brazil)
Of these, unfortunatelly, I have seen none. YET.To be honest, I can't quite agree with the seven wonders of nature. Not that they are not amazing, cause they are much MORE amazing than the ones made by humans, but that is exactly why I don't think we can objectively judge why these seven are "better" than the rest. I personally don't see the Mexican volcano any better than other volcanos, and there are other mountain peaks that are just as breathtaking as Mt. Everest. Also, I think every coastline, and every harbor for that matter, is awesome.

ALRIGHT.Now for the new seven wonders!
Haha, first a funny note... some people tried to come up with "modern wonders" before, and they included such things as Empire State Building and Golden Gate... are you serious?! Ok, I could probably understand Golden Gate... but Empire State Building?! What's so wonderous about that?! The fact that it's tall? Wow! ...wow. Anyways, as you probably already know, these did not make the cut. Huh, wonder why... ;)
The new ones ARE...
Pyramid of Chichén Itzá (Mexico)
Statue of Christ Redeemer (Brazil)
The Great Wall (China)
Machu Picchu (Peru)
The Treasury at Petra (Jordan)
Roman Colloseum (Italy)
Taj Mahal (India)
I have to say, I agree and I like. I approve. :)I am going to put those beauties on the top of my "to see" list. Sadly, as of today, I have not seen any of the new wonders...

June 10, 2007
beyond me

Do you have these moments when you hear all the wrong things happening to good people, and you want to curl up in the corner of your room and disappear? I started shaking as I thought of the things that touch me personally, and the things that cut deep the people I love... And I feel so helpless, and at the same time too tired to do anything anymore... I want to escape things I cannot escape, and I want to avoid things I cannot avoid.

May 15, 2007
constant dilemas

The most difficult decision is not to chose right over wrong.
It's resigning from something good now, with hopes for something greater later on.
Is that a good decision? Do you go for what is guaranteed and faster, or do you invest time and money into something that might not even work?
It sounds so noble to wait... and invest... "it builds character." Does it really? Even if nothing comes out of it? Even if, in the end, you lose four months of your life, and two months worth of paychecks for nothing at all? Yes, I mean nothing at all... Tough.
I want to reach that time in life when I no longer hear my thoughts whisper, how can I make this happen. This= get a car, travel to visit a friend, finish school, complete a task at work. However, this might mean I long for death.
I want to move. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I try to run away. I never run away from any thing or any person, it's more running away from my own thoughts, memories, lost hopes. "Running away is not a solution." But who said it's solution I seek? Maybe it's also the solution I'm trying to avoid? If it helps, why not?
Either way, I'm expecting a change - not to escape what is, but to twist what will be.

March 25, 2007
a problem with a favorite

It's been on my mind a lot recently, to blog not only for the purpose of relaxing and having fun with it, but to actually write down my thoughts, and maybe get some responses to it, too. I will be setting these blogs to preferred list only, because this is not something that requires convincing, but something I want to go in depth with. And you can't go deep into the Word of God with people who don't acknowledge its authority, and validity today.
Some of you might be surprised that you weren't "preferred" before and you are now. :) Congratulations! Earlier the list was limited to people who know me personally and know me well, and the blogs were on my personal life. Now I expanded the list by adding a number of you whom I would feel comfortable sharing my faith journey with.
I want to start with a subject that was difficult even to myself a while ago, and it was brought up again when I was in Finland. WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT, DAVID WAS A MAN AFTER GOD'S OWN HEART.("...the Lord has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people..." 1 Sam.13:14)As Laura and I were talking about it one day, a random stranger at a metro station began hissing accussions and insults at us, and I immediatelly realized how significant this issue is. The devil thought he knew how to stop us from talking about it, to disturb us and frighten us. I was nowhere close to letting it go, and we still talked that night, but after I came back home from Finland, I prayed and ask God to really show me what is the truth here.
I have not thought about David that much before, but at APU one professor really made me not like the guy. I already forgave that professor, but I still think it's not OK if a professor stirs up a student's mind in such a way that he/she actually develops a negative attitude towards a person favored by God.
Yes, there is a lot of what is wrong with him. He was impulsive. Aggressive. Shed blood all the time. At times was a smartass. At times was lazy. His sin of adultery is probably the best known of all Bible. He appeared shameless. Proud. Inconsistent. There are a lot of sins he committed that are made known to us - readers of the Bible, also of sinful nature. What makes him a man after God's own heart, then? How was he different, or worse, how was he better than Saul, or the poor innocent soul, Jonathan?
It took me a lot of time for God to redeem David in my own mind. Not because God took so long, but because I resisted it for so long. Look at the books of Samuel! So much blood! So many unnecessary deaths! Of so many innocent lives taken away! And on top of that, such great disrespect for women! No reverence whatsoever! God, how could such a man be one after your own heart?! I think God answered that question of mine in another verse where the "after God's own heart" phrase is used:
"...I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do." Acts 13:22
God wants obedience. He wants humility. He wants praise and readiness to follow. God needs a heart on fire.That's where Saul failed. Saul never manifested his devotion to God. When he repented - it was in front of the people. If he gave offerings, it was in public. He wanted the people see his every act of "humility", he never tried to please God. He barely acknowledged God is there!It's different with David. He didn't make excuses or point fingers when he was at fault. At the same time, in victories he knew who is the real Winner. After every victory, every success, he would praise the Lord, he sang for the Lord, he brought Him sacrifices. He knew exactly that what is right - it's God, what is wrong - it's him. Because of that humble awareness, God was willing to forgive him what was wrong, and used him for great purposes. God is telling us, through that example, that this is what he wants! It's ok if you're loud, if you're spontaneous, even if you're good at making fool out of yourself. It's ok, as long as you remember that He is the epicenter of your life.
David also experienced tremendous losses in his life. First, driven from the palace and away from his best friend. He struggled for life, was abandoned and alone, cursed and sought after. Mind you - all because of God, really. But do you ever hear him say, "God, You are the reason why they want to kill me!" or "Forget Your plans for me! I'd rather live a peaceful life away from the cities." Notice how even in his psalms, all he says is, God, deliever me from my enemies... There's no "it's your fault, now you do something about it". It's always: "I am Yours, protect me."
When you think about his sinful nature (which we all have), he also paid a great price for that. God forgives, but He also allows us to carry the consequences. His child with Batsheeba died. His son Amnon raped his daughter Tamar. His other son Absalom killed Amnon for that. And then Absalom rose up against his father. Do any of us have an idea how much pain that must have been for a father? Can you imagine a greater punishment to a man than to afflict his sons and daughters? David did not come out unharmed.
And yet he never blamed God. He never turned away from the Lord. He was so much in love with the Lord that he knew he needs to go through this, holding on to God's hand. That's a man after God's own heart. He loved God so much that he was not affraid to ask Him for help. To ask Him questions. To ask for His blessing. To rejoice with Him. That's a man after God's own heart. The only thing he was afraid of, was to ever be separated from God. But he also knew, that would never happen, because God is faithful.
It is good to be a believer, but it would be so much better to be a person after God's own heart. When you have the time, read 2 Sam. 22.A believer goes around blessing people in anyway they can. But a person after God's own heart goes to God before anything else (2 Sam.22:2-3). A believer fights for life and does not give in to pessimism. But a person after God's own heart cries out to God first, and sees Him as worthy of praise even in the toughest circumstances (4-7). A believer is aware of God's might. But a person after God's own heart actually sees the power (8-16). A believer is saved by God and knows he can count on God's help. But a person after God's own heart proclaims it and delights in it (17-20). A believer receives his true worth from the Creator's hands. But a person after God's own heart embraces the fact that they are purified, made righteous, and they know the worst wrong they could do would be to turn away from God (21-25).A believer knows God is righteous, faithful and just. But a person after God's own heart knows that's to their benefit (26-29) (!!! this is very important, and actually a lot of Christians tremble at the thought of this, because they are not sure if they know it's to their benefit)A believer praises God for who He is, and what He can do in people's lives. But a person after God's own heart is not afraid to apply it to their own lives. (30-37)A believer knows God is for us, not against us. But a person after God's own heart knows it also means that God has enemies. (38-43)A believer found strength and shelter in God's presence. But a person after God's own heart rises up to the challenge and provides that for the ones to follow. (44-49)A believer praises God for His grace to all people. But a person after God's own heart praises God for His grace to him and his people. (50-51)
You think that's selfish? If that was the case, then the whole idea of Salvation would be selfish, because you can receive it only for yourself.
I definitelly am a believer. But I don't want to just stop right there. I want to be called a woman after God's own heart! It's not a matter of salvation anymore (I know I'm saved), it's a matter of drawing close to God!
I think it's important for me to mention yet one more thing here... David was killing his enemies. As instructed by God. We need to acknowledge that fact. Especially those of us who are pacifists, socialists, humanitarians, and lifesavers. :) Personally, this might have been the hardest thing for me to comprehend. But as Yahweh said, and Jesus confirmed, and the Holy Spirit convinces, enemies of the Lord are destined to die. I'm not getting into the whole killing and capital punishment issue (yes, I'm sorry, I think I'm still against ;)), it's more about the fact that the fragrance of Lord to some is of life and to others is of death. Not all will get saved, not all are meant to live. It's sad news really, but I'm convinced it's not even as sad for us, as it is for the Creator. He so loved the world... and yet so many failed and still fail to accept Him. Before Jesus' rescue of all people who receive Him, God had His chosen people whom He defended. They were the apple of his eye (Zech.2:8), and whomever would plunder them, God would raise His hand against. Such was the case with David as well - God raised His hand against his enemies, because David was a man after God's own heart. When God gives promises, makes covenants, He never takes them back. He never changes His mind. Apostle Paul confirms it in Romans 3: "...[Jews] have been entrusted with the very words of God. What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all! Let God be true..."
Nevertheless, back to David - if you, like me, had issues with that man, allow God to clearly show you why, despite his failures, this man was still one of God's favorites. In this blog I tried to write down everything God has showed me in the past 3 years (yes, it took 3 years, step by step), and if He shows you more - that's wonderful. Please, feel free to share it with me as well.

February 12, 2007
as long as they last

The wars, the politics, the news, the mass communication... that's what we talk about, what we know of, what often fills our minds and souls to no end. It's all valid and important - the terror, the political debates, the ways of education, the movie releases, the religious conflicts (inner and outer), the AIDS pandemic, the fashion concepts, the reality shows... It is what the masses live for.
And when trying to grasp it, I accidentally notice the smallest... a book for teenagers came to my mind, Stranger (Polish), and I'm starting to remember why I loved it... the first friendships, a tree house, building a bridge on a creek, first loves, heart-searching, discoveries... Building a house of leaves and branches on a small river island. Playing with tin soldiers and accidentally setting a table cloth on fire. Acting out a historical legend and being a queen for a day. It all mixes with the memories of my own. Hanging a swing over a creek. Living for the bike races and snow fights, building swimming pools for frogs. Catching butterflies to set them free in a "better" land.
There was no AIDS nor terrorism. The sweet ignorance - not of a bitter, egocentric human, but of an innocent child that knows only the life here and now.
I remember being fascinated with a lizard that crossed my path. I can perfectly recall the multiple collections of priceless things I owned - the leaves of many shapes, rocks of different colors, weight and shape... Some shells, a lot of them broken, dirty, stinky...
I love studying, learning, discovering, exploring, God only knows how I love collecting random information like, "ants are not as hardworking as people think, they sleep or lay out in the sun 75% of their time", or "Mustafa Kemal Ataturk was an incredible reformer of Turkey, who had the potential to make Turkey as powerful as France or Germany, but had no successor capable of continuing the modernisation"...
I learn of people I don't know, of places I don't know exist (I have not been there, so theoretically, they may not even be there?), I worry of problems I have not been affected by, had no encounter with. I cry for people I don't know, I lose sleep over wars I don't know if they are going on... So much of my time I spend reading, watching, hearing, talking about what is so distant, so much time living the global life.
Pause. My friend's son just started walking. An autistic daughter of a couple I know from church recently started uttering words after 17 years of silence and meaningless groaning. Grandpa's sister-in-law passed away. A friend is moving to another country. So much so close, and much more so far...
My dog licks my open palm as I stare at the wind blowing through the trees. I get dizzy of all the things I need to wrap my mind around...

blog moved from myspace - 2005-6

2008-07-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

November 17, 2006
redeemed

It looks like Spring today...
The sun is bright, the air feels fresh outside... There are even some flowers here and there (how?!...). Last year, exactly today, the world was dark and cold... I was hurt, broken and emotionally abused. Today it's Spring again. Not yet summer, but spring... in November.

October 27, 2006
identity

It's interesting how we, being oneself, are not exactly aware of who we are. And others don't know who we are either. Claiming we know ourselves is not going to get us far, because no matter how objectively we would like to look at ourselves, we will never be able to. I was thought-provoked by an element of the popular culture (a song by a pop band), and that I appologize for. But we'll get back to that.
So which is the real me? What I think of myself, or what you think of me? Or what my parents think, m friends, my teachers, my coworkers? I'm sure they all have thoughts on who I am, and likely, I would not like a lot of them. The truth is, what I think of myself is often tainted with wishful thinking. And what others think of me is often through the lense of their personal like or dislike. Does it mean NO ONE knows me, including myself?
When girls of the ambitious band gracefully called Pussycat Dolls sing "you don't see me... like I wish you would" I can't help but wonder, how different Miss Doll is in the eyes of her fans, in the eyes of her family, and in her own eyes. Since I mentioned it, I shall use her example, rather than mine. Using my own example, though most fair, would not work mainly for the reason already mentioned- I am incapable of looking at myself objectively enough to say who I really am (not that I objectively know who Ms. Doll is, but I can at least imagine two sides to it).
A couple of months back Ms. Doll put her booty against Busta's sixpack and sang about how she's pretty much what every man wants. I am not going to evaluate what their lyrics and their videos tell us about them or her, but there are a few conclusions we can unemotionally draw from this: she values material culture, physical attractiveness is important to her, she probably does not spent countless hours thinking about the conflicts in the Middle East, or helping Green Peace (examples). I don't mean these (especially first two) in a very negative sense, I'm writing this as observations.
I'm sure she wouldn't like that judgement, and she would argue that she is concerned about what is going on in Iraq and Israel and Lebanon, and of course she cares about our environment a whole lot, especially the tropical forrests. AND I think she wouldn't be lying! In her mind, in her heart, she would honestly believe that it is the truth. However, who is she really, is she the sexy airhead people see her as, or is she the considerate sensitive soul she views herself as?
I'm sure not one healthy person in this world would see themselves as airheads. Does it mean there are only bright people in the world? I am absolutely positive that every person in the world thinks their interests are profound and what they care about is truly of great importance. Does it mean it's true? And if we look at it the other way around, most of my readers would agree that there are folks whom we'd consider shallow or ignorant. Does it mean that this is really who they are? Also, speaking for myself, I sometimes see "disco people" as musically challenged. Does it mean their musical taste is objectively not fully developed?
Which would be the objective truth in all of the cases above?
If I see my neighbor as a proud, vain diva, and she thinks she's humble in her uniqueness, which one of us is right? I'm sure we're both convinced that our insight is objectively true. We often turn to a third party to tell us how things are. Nevertheless, not one person on earth will be able to tell us an objective truth about who someone is.
And sadly, what we think of ourselves is often not true either, because what defines who we are? Is it what we think, or what we do, or what impressions we give? In a way, all of the above, so what we think will never encapsulate it all. Sadly, I'm sure the Estera you know is not the same Estera I believe I am, and I hope to be, and I try to show.
That is why the Bible says only God knows who we are. To Christians it's the obvious, simple truth, isn't it? Yet when you think about it, it's not really so obvious and definitelly not so simple. He probably knows that my neighbor is neither vain NOR humble. Because neither one of us can understand or see the truth. The true identity of Estera as seen through His eyes is probably very different from both what you think and what I think.
Only He knows the objective identity of a person. He is the only I AM in all of existence that knows the ultimate truth about the human being. ...yet another reason why we all need God.

September 15, 2006
I bow my head down in respect yet again

I had few heroes in my life. I admired them for who they were, what they did, and how they used their talents to serve the people, and how they stood up for what they believed... Today, three most important ones to me are all done with their battles. The most tragic thing about the fact they left is that, like Moses, they were not blessed with seeing the results of their sweat and tears... When Milosz passed, I tried to be strong and turned to silence. When it was Kuron's time, I broke down and cried- right there, by the news stand, reading the newspaper. Today, learning about Fallaci's death, I can cry no more. I just feel another dream falling apart... and I feel orphaned...
CZESLAW MILOSZ, 1911 - 2004Genius writer who had no home during communist years in Poland... apart from Poland, he lived in Lithuania, France, and United States... posisbly other places as well... Spoke up for writers, artists, independent thinkers, fought for freedom of speech, and in his quest for answers he found God. In 1980 he received the Nobel Prize for his literary works.
JACEK KURON, 1934 - 2004historian, dissident and opposition leader with the Solidarity movement. During his political career he was well known for his sensitivity to social issues. He was famous for his disdain for social rules (wore jeans and a casual jacket at official ministerial functions and when decorated with honors). He was equally fearless about speaking his mind and always fought for the unprivileged.
ORIANA FALLACI, 1929 - 2006Italian journalist, author, and political interviewer. A former antifascist partisan during World War II, she had a long and successful journalistic career. After retirement, she wrote a series of articles and books, critical of Islam and Arab culture, that have roused significant controversy. Los Angeles Times described her as "the journalist to whom virtually no world figure would say no."

September 10, 2006
chestnuts

Do you remember kindergarden?
We always wanted to stay out of trouble... there were so many beautiful toys, and wonderful things to do. And Ms. Irenka was the nicest person there. The weather seemed nicer in those days... The sunshine, the warm days, or even the pleasant snowy days when they let us built a snowman in the yard of the kindergarden. Maggie was the pretty girl that everyone wanted to be friends with, and I knew my popularity grew each time I talked to her, or when she wanted to sit next to me as we drew pictures of our parents... I also liked to draw my brother, but Maggie didn't have any siblings.
Kazik and I were competing who knew the days of the week better. My parents taught me the names of all seven, but sometimes I would confuse the order. Tuesday and Saturday seemed alike, for some reason. But Kazik did not even know that Monday comes first, so you could always be better than him. But we never competed with names of the months... No kid in the kindergarden knew months, because there's so many of them, and the names are a little more complicated. I knew November, because that's when my birthday is, and we would always go for walks with our teacher to find chestnuts in the park, among the colorful leafs. After that comes December, because it's the month of Santa Claus (he doesn't exist, but I'm not supposed to tell other kids). And the year ends, and a new one starts with January. That's when my daddy has his birthday.
I liked all the kids. Some of them cried a lot, and there were some that did not like to play with others. I would give them some of my crayons, and that usually helped us become friends. Maggie and Kazik went to the same elementary school with me. I don't know what happened to the other kids. I think of them when I find chestnuts in the park... Each fall. There's always so many of them. As there were of us. And we all seemed so alike, so innocent, so playful and trusting. But things changed, and some of us get scared of life now, while the others are the ones who make others scared. I still want to stay out of trouble, meanwhile some others live by causing trouble...
Kazik commited suicide a couple years ago. He was drunk and on drugs when he did that. He came from a broken family, where there was no love and no examples to follow. His older brother was a gang member. Him and Kazik would go to parties together. At one of the parties Kazik found a way to hang himself.
And I still want to stay out of trouble. But it's not as easy anymore. And I still try to give crayons to the kids that sit alone at their tables. But they don't want to become friends anymore...

August 24, 2006
killed at the age of 76

He was born to human knowledge on February 18, 1930.
On August 24, 2006 he was executed.
You will never be forgotten, my friend, and I will always proudly say to the young ones...
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, PLUTO WAS A PLANET.

June 08, 2006
when...

When did we lose our carelessness? When did our childish innocence turn into terrified souls?
When did we start to worry with what's so worldly?
When did our hands become dirty? When did our lips lose their softness, our eyes their happiness...? Who stole...?
When did it all happen?
When did we give away our laughter? When did the darkness of this world cover our bright faces? What happened to the sunshine we had in our eyes?
When did our signs of infancy turn into wrinkles wet from tears? When did we learn to cry in the first place?
How did it happen that the tears of physical pain became tears of deepest sorrow?
When did we, the whitest snowflakes, become the dirty teardrops on the doorstep?

March 14, 2006
not popular equals better? or full of hate?

It's easy to hate someone if they are loved by others. I noticed that trend not only in Poland or USA, but everywhere... I have some specific Polish example in mind, but to make it relevant for a wider audience, I'll use American examples. I honestly believe that people hate f.e.Backstreet Boys, because they are so loved. You have to admit they are loved, if they weren't, their songs wouldn't be on Hit Music stations. And I'm not saying they are good in any way, I'm not a fan, and I would do just fine in life if the boys stayed off stage. :) What I'm saying is... why do you/ we/ everybody have to hate them? I noticed that trend especially among the "oh I'm so special, original, and sophisticated" folk. If BB were a small band with just 5 fans- their mothers, no one would be so negative towards them. On the contrary, because you would think that's funny and amusing that nobody likes them and they still make themselves look like that. I think the hatred could come from envy, but that's just one theory. It really makes me sad though. Because the same thing is happening to Christian artists. I know Christian musicians who hate Michael W.Smith. Ok, so the guy is not playing alternative rock and has not created his own clothing style. SO WHAT?! I heard reasons like, "I hate him because of how fake he is raising his arms in worship..." Who the hell you are to judge whether his arm-raising is fake??? Even if it is (which I do not believe), how would you ever know?! I raise my hands when I worship, I close my eyes and smile. No one will EVER know what is going on in my heart when I do this...
Popularity increases hate, that's why I think it comes from envy. There is a small band in Poland that plays rock music, I never got into their music, but you know, whatever. People would think they are unique, independent, they released some small albums, played small concerts in small clubs. For about ten years now. Suddenly one of their songs became a hit. More people would come to the concerts, they started playing in bigger places, and their albums changed places in the music stores- from the indie shelf, to best sellers. Their music did not change. Neither did their image. However, right now people start talking crap about them. The lead singer sold himself, they look like idiots, they gave up their true fans to play at big festivals... People. What is wrong with you!
Here's how it works. The small bands whose albums we find in sale baskets rather than on best seller shelves, say they do not care about popularity, because they love what they do and if people don't want to buy their albums, they don't have to. Which might be partially true, because I know some musicians personally, and I know they play because THEY love it, not because someone else does. However, coming out with an album is self understandable that you do it because you want to sell it. Why else would you release it? To make a nice decoration in your mom's living room? Here's a revelation: Albums are released to be sold. So. Every single musician would dream to sell a billion of copies of their album. Not too many would admit that, of course. Because it's so shameful to be popular, right? Ah, sad... So as long as you are this small band that barely sells what they release, you can come together with other small bands and hate the "popular race." Very convinient. The problem begins when you release something awesome. People start loving you, people buy your stuff. Of course you haven't changed, no way, you are true to yourself. But then your whole "small band association" hates you, because now YOU are popular. Tah dah! In Polish you say that the torturer became the victim...

February 03, 2006
gaze out

when you gaze out the window, do you see the grey souls walking around? fleshless beings look at you, breathe cold air on you, and you know that the souls that pass you by are of people who think of you and pray for your humble persona...
i walk around like that a lot... i walk the familiar streets, and i pour out blessings on your face, shoulders, on your mind. my cold fingers touch your neck and you're surprised with the sudden chill... you will never realize it was me... breathing cold air in your collar.
in these moments i myself feel so light, so delicate, and almost fragile... I'm very comfortable being just a soul, being the prayer i whisper. i am the words i speak. so i spell out your name and i send an army of angels to protect you and hold you. sometimes i join them and i'm holding you myself. i lean on your back, set my head on your shoulder and as i run down your arms with my hands, i stabilize your heartbeat...
so don't stress, do not fear that the physical world is overwhelming. there is always a soul that looks after you, there is a prayer that is being whispered. and most of all, there is a Creator of it all, that knows how to connect souls so they can look after one another. and i shall continue my wandering as a transparent, unworded prayer...

May 13, 2005
waiting

half of my life I'm waiting... for some thing, for some one, for something to happen... and so it is today. I'm sitting in my office, waiting for a miracle. For a miracle that will lift me up to the heavens where I will enjoy the warmth of the sun and where I will release all the tension held inside. So much has happened this week, yet there are so few stories to tell. All the wishes and all the hopes for finally doing something that will make life worth living, as always, vanished in the gray air of nothingness. Meetings postponed. Concerts cancelled. People leaving and clouds coming. Such is life. And about this life, that usually is jolly and colorful, but today is tainted, you can read here.
May the peace of the Almighty calm your anxious hearts. That's my wish for you today. And for myself.

broken

2008-06-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

new day

2008-06-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

fairly clear

2008-06-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

just that one last time... return.

2008-06-20T05:13:00.000-07:00

one haven to rule them all

2008-06-19T05:11:00.000-07:00

the shooting... sun

2008-06-18T05:10:00.000-07:00

secrets

2008-06-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

the truth and the life

2008-06-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

break through

2008-06-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

measure

2008-06-14T05:02:00.000-07:00

tainted

2008-06-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

like a green olive tree in the garden of God

2008-06-12T01:54:00.000-07:00

day of rest

2008-06-11T04:29:00.000-07:00

surprised by grace

2008-06-10T06:06:00.000-07:00